I have never been so depressed that I didn't want to get out of bed. Today was an exception. I didn't go to school today. And I really don't care if I ever go back. This is really not like me. I can usually keep things in and hide things pretty well. I guess I'm full. I'm sitting here listening to 88.1, still in my pajamas, wrapped in a blanket. It's 12:10 p.m. Shouldn't I be dressed or something? I really want to work on my web page, but I just don't have the energy or the capacity to bring myself to mess with it. I'm getting really tired of feeling like this. I am an absolute bitch to deal with. I tell everyone off. I am short with everyone. I am tired. Yet, I am lonely and bored at the same time. My eyes feel heavy. I can barely keep them open. I slept for about 12 hours, though. I should not be tired. The only thing I've accomplished is collecting some quotes. I want to put them on my web page. Now I am listening to Coal Chamber. However, there is no music that is dark and loud and deep enough to satisfy me. I am kinda hungry, but eating would require effort that I just don't have. I'm getting really fucking sick and tired of people thinking that I never have problems and that I can deal with things. Well, right now I am not dealing. I don't know how, and I don't know why. I think that the events of the past two years are finally catching up with me. Sometimes, I want to go crazy...sometimes I think I am crazy. I have no effort or energy anymore. I am completely apathetic. I've been in funks like that before, but none this severe. I really, honestly just don't care about anything anymore. I'm tired of people thinking that I am such a perfect person. I am not perfect. I have problems. People just naturally come and dump their shit on me. Guess what? I just don't want to hear about anyone's problems right now. I swear, the next time someone starts whining and I am around I am gonna tell them to hold on while I pull out my violin. I just want to be left the hell alone. Is that so wrong? Why can't I be selfish for a change and bitch and complain and whine about my problems for a while? Why can't I roll around in my anger and pity myself? Is that too fucking much to ask? I think not. Everyone else does it. Isn't my right to be selfish, too? Why can't I be a basket case every once in a while? Well, I don't care who likes it or not, I am gonna be one now. I think it's a part of the healing process. Being a total nut case and not caring. Once I get this out of my system, maybe I will have the capacity to be a person again. I hope. I'm also really disappointed in myself, cause last month I really worked at losing a lot of weight and I had lost around 15-20 pounds. It seems that over the past couple of weeks, I've been stuffing myself and I'm afraid I've gained it all back. I know that's pretty much impossible to gain that much weight back like that, but still. I swear, when it starts getting a little cooler in the evenings, I'm gonna walk up to my high school and run around the practice field. It's not that far from my house.
Okay, it's 6:41 p.m. I finally got dressed about an hour ago and walked over to my parent's house to eat some dinner. And obviously, I got a lot accomplished on my web page. So I don't feel that the day was totally wasted. I forgot to mention that this morning my grandmother woke me up at 7 a.m. shining a flashlight in my eyes like I'm on fucking Cops or something. She's telling me to get out of bed and go to school. I had managed to get out of bed long enough around 6:15 a.m. to call my mom and tell her to tell my dad that I wasn't going. So, I was pretty out of it when she so unpleasantly woke me up. I cussed, moaned, mumbled, turned over and went back to sleep. I woke up around 10 a.m. to a horrible recurring dream/nightmare I keep having. The premise of the dream is the same everytime, it just occurs in a different setting each time. The dialogue, however, is the same. Anyway, they haven't set up my web space where I can FTP my files yet. So, I'm not sure when all of this will get uploaded, but it is giving me a chance to get everything how I want it before I upload it. I'm also thinking about doing updates and uploads to my web page sometime on the weekends and just do them once a week. Otherwise, I spend entirely too much time updating the page.
If you didn't notice, I am in a slightly better mood now. It won't last long, though. It never does.